Underground Parking/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's my personal hero, a man who jests at windmills, a real don "coyote," the man of "la munchies." ladies and gentlemen, mr. Red green! Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, and thank you all for tuning us in. I would like to say that that intro you just heard had absolutely nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, the guy who said it does... My nephew harold. Wa-a-a! [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! I didn't ask you to come over here, harold. It's okay. I guess you can see why I like to keep a shovel handy. Anyhow, uh, boy, things have really been humming up at the lodge this week, and it's not just from the way we rewired the water heater. The local radio station has made an announcement that somewhere in the area surrounding possum lake, there's the largest deposit of gold ever recorded. Oh, yeah? Where -- where did you hear that? I just said, harold, on the radio. Well, I don't think you could believe everything you hear from that station. The entire staff's an alcoholic. No, harold, this is not just bernie hallucinating, okay? This is a scientific study done by the government, and I don't think the whole government would all be hallucinating at the same time...Again. So, anyhow, a bunch of us have decided to dig ourselves a gold mine, and I even asked old man sedgwick to pitch in because I figure, you know, he was probably in the original gold rush. You know, he's probably gonna know where to dig. That -- that was 1849. The shovel? No, it's 5 bucks. Anyway, uh... We're gonna get out there and get at it as soon as we can, but it's not gonna get in the way of the show. I'll keep you posted on the gold-mine thing, and I'll tell you what. Even if we strike gold, we're still gonna finish the show. It'll just have a lot more of harold in the second half. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ oh, how smart can you be? ♪ ♪ you'll never know till you try ♪ ♪ never know till you try ♪ ♪ how far can you go? ♪ ♪ you'll never know till you try ♪ ♪ never know till you try ♪ ♪ are you slow or are you quick? ♪ ♪ you'll never know ♪ ♪ until you poke a mountain lion with a stick ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you something you can do with an old, broken-down barbecue. Now, I've been saving this beauty, hoping that it would eventually have value as an antique. But, uh, apparently the market for rusty metal appliances covered with bits of burnt meat has gone a little soft on us. Now, I suppose a bunch of you are saying, "hey, red. Why don't you just throw the darn thing in the lake?" or, "who cares?" or, "what else is on?" that'll be your wife talking, probably. Well, the truth is, if you do throw one of these in the lake, within a couple of days, you get all the grease and fat coming up onshore there, and then the propane tank will cut loose and shoot right up through the bottom of that old lap straight canoe that's been up here at the lodge since before I started coming. Well, I should say, "that's what could happen." the funny thing is, we are actually gonna throw this barbecue into the lake, but with ourselves attached to it. 'cause we're gonna turn this propane barbecue into a full set of scuba gear. All right, step one, disassemble the unit into its individual components. Yeah. Oxidation is a wonderful thing, isn't it? All right, step two, disconnect the propane tank. Now, the connector on these units is left-hand thread, so, uh, to loosen them, you got to turn them to the right. You can loosen them by turning them to the left... If you're the size of moose thompson. But it won't ever go back together again. Once you get the hose out of there, you might just want to abandon the project, try something else -- maybe turn the propane tank into, say, a party-size cigarette lighter... Or a propane-powered lawn roller. Or I know what would be kind of fun. You just throw the whole tank into a smoldering campfire for an exciting game of "let's surprise the boy scouts." but for our purposes, we're gonna drain the gas out of there so we can use it for our scuba gear. [ gas hissing ] [ coughs ] well, I'll just -- I'll just move this aside till we get all the gas out of her. [ tank thuds ] you don't want to be 20,000 major leagues under the sea and suck in a lungful of propane. Instant headache there, I'll tell you. Now, you want to save these grills and make yourself a dandy little shark cage -- not big enough for your whole body, but certainly big enough to protect whatever it is you care about. The burner, you don't really need. Chuck that. [ burner clanking ] but you want to save the hose, and you want to save the heat controls because these become your air regulators -- one for you, one for your buddy. And you got that fat jar that hangs down underneath the barbecue. Hang on to that. That's gonna become your diving mask. Boy, you get a lot of fat out of four strips of bacon, hey? If you squeeze them right. Anyway, I think that's pretty well everything we need, and sure as heck don't need the spark ignitor. Not gonna be able to start a fire under water. [ chuckles ] [ explosion, glass shatters ] [ coughing ] well, I guess that tank will be empty now. Wow, we got lucky there. The propane tank landed in town, which is where I had to go anyway to get her filled up with air at the gas station. Now, breathing this air might make you a little sleepy 'cause it's "tire" air. Always time for humor at the lodge. Now, you're gonna need something to put on your feet to help you move along in the water. How about this? They're "flippers," aren't they? It's "tire" air. Okay, so what you got to do is you got to put the tank on your back, the flippers on your feet, and the jar on your fat face -- or the fat jar on your face. And you're gonna do all these jobs using the handyman's secret weapon... ...Duct tape. Now, this is probably gonna take me a while, so why don't we get on with the show? And we can come back when I got her all built. Now it's my favorite part of the show, the part where we expose those three little words that men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And now here to prove that once again is my uncle red and his best friend in the whole wide world. Oh, okay -- mr. Glen braxton. All righty, it says here -- we got, "dear experts. "I am organizing a cookout for all the gang at work, "and I am wondering what type of food to prepare and serve. Would you have any hints you would like to pass on?" uh, I always find budget is the main consideration. Uh, you know, say, we have something like a fish fry up at the lodge, and then, of course, nobody catches any, and, uh, so we have to augment the menu, and it always forces us over budget. And then you get all the whiners who want to know, how do hot dogs and macaroni qualify as fish fry? I just tell the guys, "hey, throw some worms in," you know? Well, you sounded serious at the time. Oh, harold. The most important thing is to find the right man for the job. For your chef, you need to get a welder. Welder? Oh, yeah. An acetylene torch will cook a 12-pound roast in under 4 minutes. And if you got electricity, you can arc-weld a whole pig in less than a minute. My brother found that out. He was upping the voltage around the pigpen at the farm. And electricity adds to the presentation of the meal. 'cause the little pig's tail straightens right out. And all the hair all over him stands straight up. But you got to make sure all your guests are grounded, because if they stick their fork into them... "it is winter, "time to get your sled out and swoosh down giant hills, "to learn to hang on tight and have those high-speed thrills. "the good, old sled will show you how to fly and soar and whiz and teach you just how hard a frozen elm tree really is." well, there you have it -- your very own scuba. Bottom of the lake, here I come. [ sniffing ] oh, this fat jar smells like every grade of meat I've ever eaten, and then some. Oh, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh. [ grunts ] is this just heavy, or am I getting the bends? [ golf club swooshing ] [ bob grunting ] ugh! Red: Bob. Oh, red, I-I didn't see you standing there. I was just doing air-direction tests for the department. Better write that down on my scorecard -- I mean my notebook. You government guys are pretty sophisticated. Oh, yeah. See, I would have thought this was just an ordinary golf ball here. No, that's a... Dimpled "ergonometer." wow, and this is not just a putter? No, that sets the parameters for the wind-speed indicator. It's a recalibration wrench. No kidding. And you don't just call that a putt? No, I'd call that a birdie. Red: Bob works for the department of natural resources, so you always know where to find him during working hours. I thought I'd go and ask him about the gold thing because with him being with the government and everything, I figure he'd know all about it. Of course, all he wanted was for me to play golf with him. Well, uh, no, thanks, bob. I-I just wanted to come by and ask you about this gold thing. What gold thing? You mean like a golf trophy? Oh. Didn't you hear about this on the radio? They say that there's the largest deposit of gold ever right around possum -- I can't believe you guys in natural resources don't know something about natural resources. I mean, what else is there to the job, bob? Red, I think your information is a little off. The report stated that possum lake has the largest -- largest, uh, deposit of mold ever recorded. Mold? Mm-hmm. What the heck are we gonna do with mold? I don't know. Guess you could turn possum lodge into a yogurt ranch. [ laughs ] listen, red, why don't you join me for a game of golf? It'll take your mind off your disappointment. I thought you were just testing the wind here, bob. Well, whatever. Ugh! [ water splashes ] boy. Must be real windy over there where you are. Wow, this gold/mold thing has been a bit of a setback. We've never heard anyone getting rich during a mold rush. Well, you know, uncle red, mold has its value, too, you know. 'cause they use it, like, you know, to make bread or penicillin. Wa-a-a-a. So, mold is not a bad thing. Would you pay 400 bucks an ounce for it, harold? If not, then it's a bad thing, 'cause that's how much we spent digging the gold mine, all right? $400? How did you manage to spend $400 on like 12 volunteers digging a hole in the ground? Mainly refreshments. Well, uh, you can build up a thirst inhaling that mold, I'll tell you. What we found is that brewer's yeast is the best for handling mold of that type. Anyway, uh, we've decided to convert the mine into an underground parking lot, and we figure we can get 15 cars single file in there, and the only trick is, you have to park in the reverse order that you'd be leaving, though. See? Excuse me, uh, uncle red. Have you thought this plan through? Because, you know, I don't want to make judgments here, you know, but I'm just thinking that I think your plan's flawed... Badly flawed, like "rescue 911" flawed. Well, now, harold, if we're gonna get into comparing things with flaws in them, I think you're not gonna have a very nice day. Well, I just mean, you know, like, say, just even one car gets stuck in the mine, then, you know, everybody gets shafted. Wa-a-a! Uh, we have that covered, harold. See, when you back the first car in, you drive the next one back, the next one drive the next one. So they're all bumper to bumper. We give everybody jumper cables. Plus, we're gonna charge them all three bucks a head. Well, that's great. So you'll get, like, your $400 back in no time. Well, it's $800 now. We had to buy the jumper cables, and, of course, we all wanted, you know, snazzy vests, and then everybody wanted a flashlight. We bought 100 flashlights. Well, that's -- that's okay, too, because, you know, you finally learned that in order to make it big, you got to spend big! Wa-a-a! I'm real glad to hear you say that, harold, 'cause we took it right out of your salary. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ the fish swam in like horses ♪ ♪ and jumped up on the beach ♪ ♪ they climbed this thick-leafed maple ♪ ♪ and each one gave a speech ♪ ♪ they sang a bunch of show tunes ♪ ♪ and jumped back into the lake ♪ ♪ it's amazing what you see up here ♪ ♪ after you bang your head ♪ ♪ really, really hard on the dock ♪ [ film projector clicking ] red: Attention, everybody. Clear the area. It's time for "adventures with bill." bill had asked me to drop over, so I did, and, uh, he wanted to do some backpacking today, so he's got these -- these are -- these are -- I -- we never had these in the army. Of course, I wasn't in the army, but I'm sure we didn't -- wouldn't have had. Oh, his has got a little bit of a bend in there, so, bill, very resourceful. Just bend it over his knee and just -- oh, oh. Well, might have been a bit of a -- it's not good enough for bill now. However, apparently, it's good enough for me. Now, bill, there's a couple of straps for your arms. Well, that's it. Get your arm in the other one there. No, bill. Bill, bill, you're gonna get dizzy there. Let me help you. It's good to go backpacking with someone else. They can help you get the arm hole through there, and then you get it centered on there, and then -- well, no, no. Now, bill, bill. Bill. Bill. Well, we were kind of chilling out, and there's... There's -- I guess that was the daily -- the daily log that you keep in the woods. Anyway, bill wanted me to load him up, and this is a beauty. These things are so light, and they're perfectly balanced, and it's amazing how much stuff -- you know, if you got the little attachments and so on -- how much stuff you can get onto your backpack, and then you're just free to go through the woods at your leisure. You miss so much when you're, say, going over the woods in a concorde or something of that nature. This way you can see all the trees and see the ground and... Well, almost all the branches. There we go. Yeah, a little bit of limbo there gives you an appreciation for the caribbean and all that they stand for. And the beauty is, if you do get tired, you just -- you can sit down and relax. You are, in fact, one with nature. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, well. Oh, well. And you got -- you have basically all your belongings. You're self-sufficient at this point with this type of a rig, and then you can just -- when you get comfortable, you take the thing off, and -- oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, boy. But, you know, resourcefulness is the mark of a good backpacker. And bill is resourceful. This next part of the show is for all you young people out there. You deserve this. Wa-a-a, hi. And welcome, adventure seekers, to the first edition ever of... [ imitates "charge" fanfare ] ...Possum lodge cadets! Okay, well, possum lodge cadets are for those of us who aren't, you know, official members of the real, actual possum lodge. But that's only because we don't believe in the rules, their attitudes, and, well, okay, they won't let us join. But I'll bet you that being a possum lodge cadet is even way more better. Wa-a-a-a-a! I bet you it is. Okay, so, you want to make a uniform, right? No problemo. Wa-a-a. Cool. Okay, okay, all right. So, all you need for a uniform is, like, um, clothes, you know, and some scissors, an official possum lodge hat, you know, and a few incidentals, and then, of course, you're gonna want to have a meeting. So you have to have at least one other person to join the possum lodge cadets, which, at this point, I'm finding to be, you know, the hardest part, but if I do -- harold, I need another bungee cord. I put some lumber on the roof rack there. No, uncle red, no, no. This is, like, an official cadet tie now. Well, fine. You can leave it on if you like. Cadets enjoy action-filled danger and moment-to-moment excitement. Wa-a-a. I know you teenagers watch a whole lot of television, and you get kind of a mixed-up idea of what the world's really like. The worst thing is, tv makes crime look good, where, actually, crime is bad. First of all, there's no such thing as a criminal mastermind, okay? The prison population is not a brain trust. If you ever skim through the mug shots down at the police station there, you know you're not looking at the m.I.T. Graduating class. And if you're a criminal, one of these guys is gonna be your roommate for the next 20 years. Also, if you get into the criminal line of work, you got to work a lot of nights, there's zero benefits, and nobody's gonna come to your patio party 'cause they're afraid there's gonna be a drive-by shooting. Despite what you see on television, most criminals either get caught or killed or they have to change their identity and move to a country where there's nothing worth stealing. So I'm asking you to just say no to assault, break and enter, arson, murder, theft, drug trafficking, and, oh, yeah, real-estate sales. Joshua two feathers is a real-estate developer on the reserve next door to the lodge, and I thought he might have some advice about the underground parking lot. This was handed down to me by my father. Wow. It's like an indian legend or something. This is a geological survey of the water table's drainage patterns. Now, you see here -- how the water comes close to ground level? Yeah. You couldn't dig a basement for a townhouse without hitting water. Forget the underground parking lot, red, unless you can convert it to a car wash. Oh, you sure the chart is accurate, joshua? I mean, I hate to change all our plans just because of some old piece of paper and what it has to say. Careful what you say, red. I won't let you dishonor my father. He had a phd in urban planning. Well... Just like I told them -- the darn parking lot all flooded there, 14 cars up to their door handles in well water. I'll tell you, by the time those seats get saturated, there'll be more mold around here than in a bachelor's fridge. Excuse me, uncle red. What about the possum van? You weren't crazy enough to park the possum van in there, were you? No, no, no, harold. Tried to. But, uh, it's just a little tad high there, and she kind of wedged into the entrance, you know? So, that was a lifesaver, but, uh, unfortunately, this, of course, prevented the others from getting in and getting their cars, and I never would have guessed the short tempers on some of these -- some of these lodge members, you know. But it'll work out okay. Then we got the idea that, uh, you know, if we could raise the water pressure, maybe we could just pop the van out of there. So we started thinking about the water table and so on. We figured we'd get moose thompson to cannonball down the well. And, uh, I think it would have worked, harold. But, uh, well, we forgot to take the bucket out first, and I think we should have greased the sides 'cause he seized up about 30 feet down. We'll get him out. We'll just pour some bacon fat down the walls over there and winch him up on the rope, but he's gonna have to take those splinters out on his own. Maybe, you know, you've got that parking-problem story. You might want to just, you know, stick to that. Wa-a-a. Yeah. Yeah, I think we'll be all right. I mean, worse comes to worse, we'll just wait for the winter, 'cause the van will be cold. She'll shrink a bit, and the entrance will freeze up, and I think she'll just pop right out of there. Okay, but, um, well, consider this. Maybe the other cars will, like, freeze where they are. They'll get stuck in there. Well, if that happens, we'll give them their 3 bucks back. [ screeching ] oh, that's the squeal of the possum. That's meeting time, uncle red. You better get going. Okay. You go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Okay, all right. Uh, if my wife is watching, uh, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and, uh, I'm sorry I didn't -- I didn't strike gold this week, but I didn't strike harold, either, so you got to be proud of me. And, uh, to all the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, uh, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati.